Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Slumbery Agitation

I want to complain about how I can't sleep. It's not so much that I can't sleep but finding time to do so. So much has happened in a few days. I shall fill you in.....
Friday I went to a BBQ with Erick, it was fun. I have never ate so many huge cookies and rootbeer floats in one sitting, lol. Well apperently now people think we are together, ha that's funny. I love Erick to Death but we already went through that lil fase and now it's over, it's been over and Unlike jesus, It will not come back from the grave, at least not to my knowlege.
Saturday, another BBQ but my family, and as usual, they presume we are together, Why don't they think stuff like that with Jose?? Oh yea, cuz they all know I don't like him like that. My cousin was presenting Erick, and asked if he was "just" a friend, uh yeah.. Thats' how it starts, he says. Ok. But before we went to the BBQ I had gone to work, joy. Ahh, and then when me and Erick left, we saw Kevin. God I despise him somethimes. My heart felt like it was going to fall out and go into cardiac arrest. Crazy how you can feel like that just by seeing some one. As much as I try to deny it, I can't forget what we have been through, and undoubtibly, I will always have feeling for him, they may not be the same as they once were, but hey, hatred is a feeling, lol Moving on...
Sunday, I was really tired, like all day, I didn't go to sleep untill alot later than i had expected, I was talking to Jose all night. Have you ever heard news from someone that just for some reason makes the rest of your day, in my case night, feel like crap. Ya thats what happened to me. It feel like a sort of deception.. But ya know what, It's ok, it's not like that person was, ok wait that is not going to make sense, so I might as well not say
Maybe because it was a busy weekend, is why I had like no sleep. I have made the decision to not accept restricted calls. It may sound weird, but there had been this guy who calls in the middle of the night, asking me what underwear I'm wearing, and it's really freaking me out!! Ya one day he called out of the blue like at 2 in the morning, and He admitted he had the wrong number, but he still calls. Can you say PSHYCO!!
Also, this whole prom thing, I asked Erick, he's my boy and I know I would have tons of fun with him. Not a problem. Untill yesterday, ( sigh) his parents may not let him go, which sucks. So maybe that is why I have been all weireded out lately. Ahh, and not to mention that I did not get Prom weekend like I though I would, so I have to work from 10 to 6 on saturday, go to Prom, from 9 to 12, I want to go to after prom, which is from 12 to 4 in the morning, then, I have to work from 7 to 3 on sunday. So I'll will most likley be running on caffine and sugary products to keep awake, lol.
I have to take these 2 huge test for the BYU thing, which I have not studied for, which is way bad... I'm getting a little stressed over everything that is happening, but it's not that big. My goal is to take them tomorrow, and hopefully pass.
Jose left yesterday to Texas for his brothers wedding. So before he left we all watched house of daggars, and YES i did cry in the end, it was soooo sad, he came back for her... aww I hate movies that are so sweet and romantic and make dorks like me cry. But later on as I was leaving, Jose got really sad, and he got all teary, which made me sad. He made it seem like he was never ever going to see me again. Wow he really does have strong and pshycotic feelings for me. Lol. Well I gotta go now, off to a great day in school, watching a movie and eating sushi.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

I can't think of a worthy title

Ok so I get out of school and I got a call from Mrs. Capmpell. The one who was to call me about the speech. Well I didn't get the part which makes me sad but not to the point of real sadness. James Lopez got it, go fig... he's really good so he deserved it. They liked my speech and they said I did a great job delivering the point and that it wasn't so obvious that I was so nervous. Right, but then again I bet they say that to everyone, I think I don't feel so bad because other people besides me didn't get it either. That sounds mean doesn't it.... oh well. The really bad news is that I am out of chocolate, so I guess I have to settle on peanut butter, sugary pudding and ice cold cokes.
It's raining outside and it makes everything of a bad day seem worse. It's not that I don't like rainy days, I just think they are better when you have someone to share hot chocolate with and then watch tv under the spongebob blanket. Being alone with my jar of peter pan peanut butter just doesn't quite feel the I forgot to do my chemistry and sociology homework so that sucks, but I'm behind because I choose it that way I guess.
I've been having a hard time thinking lately and hence my title... So I'll leave it at that because I refuse to fight with my brain any longer.


AHH.... I feel like crap!!!! Ok I just got done with my audition and I really F***ed up. I honestly don't hink I'm going to get it, oh well. There were a ton of people that were way better than me and it was way intimidating. I went and messed up and left ok with my speech, which is odd because I suck at public speaking. So after feeling bad there was one thing I turned to... Chocolate of course. Along with a amplid amount of candy and pickles, food that would make me feel better and I must say it did, I wouldn't doubt if I gained 6 pounds in the process of my happines but that is fine because as long as I am happy, it's all good. We are supposed to get a call tonight about the speech, I heard my speech was funny but it's not enough to be great. I wanna get this off my mind but I can't and it bothers me.
Moving along with my life, I had to perform an excert from Macbeth today and I must say it went well we pulled it off, so on friday I have to do another one, yay what joy. For some reason I have been felling weird lately, people are easily getting on my nerves. Like Jose for instance he's really been annoying, oh wait maybe it's cuz he's calling me a bitch every other second, sorry forgot. lol
Well I'm off to school again, another night of exciting literature with Mrs. Coyle, I can't wait till this is over. Buh bye

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Tick Tock Tick Tock

As you can see it's whatever time it says at the bottom. I fell asleep at 5 and then I woke up around 8:30 or so and now I can't go back to sleep, (sigh) but I'm tired, but not sleepy.
Today... ok I guess, I'm listening ot one of my favorite songs, appraise chourus by Jimmy eats World, yay. Today I read that blog Jose posted on myspace and it's kinda scary. The fact that he would give up his life for me is sweet but the other fact that he cares for me soo much to pay a randsom and give up his life is a little stange, It makes me wonder how much stronger he viewed our friendship to be than I though he thought, uh.. does that make sense? Ok, so back to what I was saying, he said that I looked Beautiful the day I we all went to pizza blast.... Right, I don't think I have ever looked so cheezzy!! Hello I was taking care of kids. I was wearing jeans and a shirt, and my hair was craptastically put in a some sort of bun.. Hot, I don't think so. He stated that he wanted to "make out with me" as if!! He was afraid of my reaction, ok ya afraid that I would beat the crap out of him?? Cuz I so would. And I think he's just jealous of Estevan, cuz he's not a fatass, and to be jealous of Estevan right now? thats sad. Ohhh another fav song, Cable car by the Fray, I love this song!!! Me and Jose went ot go see htem at the UNC Ballroom that day it was snowing like crazy but they cancelled the concert and I haven't checked whrn they come back. Anyways me and Erick are speaking once again but one of those conversations that seem tense. I know he's still mad. It just doesn't feel the same anymore. As for me and Jose and the getting in trouble thing, his mom is mad and so is mine and hopefully we will all get over this soon.
Other thoughts, I saw Mrs. Zappanti today she sent a million passes for me and called my phone during class, can you say obessesive? SO I went and saw her after school, she's sweet but a little crazy and won't quit till you do what is right... Which makes me question what I tell her now, since I want to go to aims and not take a year off I have to fill a FAFSA sheet, oh no, and I have to do it soon, very soon, or so she says. It's ok she's just trying to help me, and she has yummy trail mix!! Since I wanted to try out for the commensment speech for Graduation, that would mean I have to write a speech, great logic, lol. So I thought and thought, and I have stuff on paper but it's not final and is bad because I have to try out tommorow, oops.
I'm not sure if it's even good and I suck at speaking in front of a few people let alone hundreds, I guess there is no harm in trying and at least they will hear what I have to say. I do want to get picked but I'm just so scared, so whatever happens, happens. But do wish me good luck!!!
Enough for now I think I'll try to sleep now, but I guarantee that I will be tossing and turning, paying for those few hours that I crashed. Goodnight

Monday, April 18, 2005

Dark hallways of the mind

Is there really enough time to do any thing you would ever want to do? My teacher has a quote in his room that says "Never say you didn't have enough time to do anything great with your life, you have the same amount of weeks, days, hours and seconds that Helen Keller, Susan B. Anthony,..ect." Ok I can't remember the whole quote but you get the point. It's true but who really knows.

The other day as I came home I was cleaning my messy part of the house. I realized no one makes a mess downstairs besides me and the kids occasionally. I began to think.... Which is always a bad thing because if i think too much I get craazy ideas and tend to evalutate things in everysingle perspective. But this thinking was so diffrent. Have you ever Kinda zoned off into something and then find yourself thinking about something completly opposite? That is what happend to me. As I looked down at my royal blue toe socks with brown monkeys and little yellow bannanas, ah they are way cute socks, but I looked at them I began to think about how I want my life to be. When I'm older I want to have A big floor so that I will have to mop it, and with pine sol, not the fabuloso thing, eventhough the orange one is my favorite scent. I want a vacum that you can empty out eaisly, not one with a bag, those suck, I want the little tornado action one that you can remove that barrel and clean out the crud inside. I want a 100 or even 200 gallon fish tank with 28 cent fishes from pet co. I want a really small dog that I can stick in a bag, but then I don't. I want my life to go the way it plans. Then I began to think, again... Not everything you want in life is going to happen or you may get your 100 gallon fiah tank but not get any 28 cent fish that you can name all fred. If life were to happen how we all planned, we would never learn anything, like how love is, how friendship is, what it feels like to fail at something. So as I looked down at my socks again I noticed they were turinig green on the bottom.... Ah ha, SInce I was mopping I mixed fabuloso and clorox spray thing together and I didn't have any shoes when I was mopping, thus causing my socks to change color. And I was so not expecting that, much like many of the things in life.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Flash back

It's now sunday. I'm here at home making spaghetti mmm, before I have to go to work, I would much rather stay at home all day but thats not possible. My parents left to a party like they do every weekend, and as usual without me because I have to work. SO I'll fill you all in on my busy weekend... Friday I had wonderful plans to sleep in and maybe go to a movie. NO I ended up taking my 8 month pregnant sister in law to the doctors office. She looks like she is going to explode. I can't help but tend to giggle at the sight of her and her tremendous belly, she's a 5 foot, 93 pound philipina who is carring twins in her tiny body. It's great. After running around all morning with her I went over to Jose's house. I am so happy to announce that ALL BYU work is done and all I have to do is testing, yay!!! Moving on, I called the Universtity and have everything under control. But I had to retake a test that I failed, so I worked on that then left his house, picked up my paycheck, watch it all go away at once, and finally went home. After being there for about 2 minutes, I got a call to take care of my nieces, ok whatever so it's off to the mall, where Abigail and i get into a fight, oh joy, last time she goes anywhere with me. At the mall we all talk to Estevan.. ah, Because Abigail thought it would be a bright idea to scream out, " look he's working today tia" I think I felt more than obligated to go and speak to him. So we walk in and he asks, how are we doing today, uh fine I supppose. We begin to talk and then he asked how desiree was... Right like I would know and/or care. Worst thing is that he knew we are no longer friends, he did it on purpose. Damn . Then he says he moved, so he gives me a piece of paper and a pen... SO I look at him and say "what's this for?" Ok I knew what it was for but did I really want him to call me? Whatever so I wrote my number and he said he would call. I left thinking who the hell he had heard everything from about me and dez, but since it was such a secret he couldn't tell me, Right. We later went to pizza blast with my load of kids, that was another expericnce, they all ate tons of pizza and drank litters of soda and won hardly any tickets, Me and Jose broke a machine and had to have the guy come about 6 times to finally get it to work right, it was really embarasing. We left with prizes and I had a huge headache from all hte whistles they got from their tickets. I thought to myself that is something that would make me want to have kids and take them to fun places like where i went when i was young, but since Greeley is too poor to have a Chuck E Cheese, Pizza blast will have to do.
Saturday I went to work at 10 and I was still tired from friday night. Work was ok I got off early, that was an upturn. My manager gave me tickets to the Eagles playoff game for monday. Cool except now I have to find someone to take, I thought Jose but then again he does everything with me and maybe I should take some one new. Carlos a Co- worker had the Idea that we should go to prom.... But if I pay, ha ha thats funny. I think he was just joking, unless he had no perception of what is proper. lol He said If I were to invite him he would go all Vaquero, ok, then we would look pretty odd, eventhough it's diffrent and I bet he would look all that bad dressed up like that, but me and Carlos... No way. My sis calls and asks if I want ot go with her to the rodeo they had last night, ok that's cool. So I went, It was ok, the best part was the little kids ridding on sheep, my 4 year old niece kept calling them lamas. It was fun. I got home at 12:30 last night after being at my sister's place for 2 hours.
Well I better get ready for work now, I get off at 9, and 8 hours seems like a long time to work, and especially at McDonalds. ( sigh) I hope today is slow but not too slow, a medium paced level would be good. Till next time....

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Upside : Down

If there were going to be anything shittier to happen to my life at this moment... I think it would be ok, because I'm not really sure if they could get worse. Watch just because I said that, now something horrible is going to happen.
What is bugging me is almost everything... I'm way behind in my Bringham University class, I'm losing my best friend, I'm feeling pressure for prom, My hair sucks!!
After finishing my Astronomy class I had the greatest feeling in the world, Accomplishment. I was so happy and Jose and I were ready to sing out load, ok not sing but it was one of those feelings, lol. Ok what joy right, well going to pop in the other class and we were expecting it to be like 6 or 8 chapters at most, and it ended up being a sledge hammer to the chest. It was 10 chapters and ok it might not sound to bad but at that moment I feel into a state of depression, each chapter was really long and my little dead line or friday seemed to be impossible to reach. I went home and felt like crap, I think that may have been the first time that I have ever felt so let down, and from myself.
Ok well you all know me and Erick have been fighting. It's really nothing new, me and Erick fight like we are married. Usually we will get mad and make up at the end of the day and tell each other how we are best friends and that we love each other so much that nothing is really worth fighting over. Yesterday was sooo different. I haven't talked to in two days and it feels like a really long time. I think he hates me now, because I know he hates Jose. I kinda have the feeling our friend ship may be jaked from now on, that is if it continues. Funny thing is when I think about it I don't really remember why we even fought. Well I know why we are mad at eachother, but the actually fight, not sure? I bet Erick is thinking exactly what was done and said and know the real reason. My guess- it was something I did, since he seems to believe it was my fault. Whatever I told him that I was done and this is stupid. Weird because usually I'm not the one to surrender first.
My mother had been asking me repeatedly.... Who are you going to prom with??? UUHHHH?
See I don't know yet. My plans were ask Estevan, but I haven't talked to him in so long, what would be a great conversation starter? " Hey, what's new... So... I can get you 40% off your tux to prom.. BUT only if you go with me" Ya I don't think so. I think what is so difficult is that he goes to west and he would then have two proms to worry about, so no. Well I thought about asking my friends, Jose and Erick, well not both. OK me and Erick are fighting and Jose has a wedding to go to in the same day in Texas. Just my luck. Since my mom knows everything that happens in my life, she thinks I should forget about these guys and find someone else, Because " You have to go" My mom said to ask my cousin to borrow her husbands younger brother...... Borrow? ok even if that was the slightest of a good idea, it's odd. Hey I don't know you and you certainly don't know me, and most likely you can't even understand a word of what I'm saying.. but wanna go with me to a really formal event? Oh Shnapp!
I got my long awaited hair cut today. I wanted something different but not too different. So I Cut a bit off and got bangs. Ha this reminds me of when I actually cared about what I looked like all the time my freshman year. I had bangs and I curled them everyday. Man I was cool. lol
But now, I've come to learn that no one really cares... Except for Erick. He said that if I cut my long pretty hair, he was never going to talk to me... WELL doesn't make much of a difference now, does it. Anyways I now have bangs, and they are quite annoying, maybe that's why I decided to lose them back then. Jose says they suck. Thanks BEST FRIEND. At least he is being honest I suppose. As I looked down at my locks of curls, I also remembered about how long it had been since I cut my hair, and what I have done to it since then. Flash back of Jennifer appeared and how us flipping off the camera was cool while she was "redoing" my highlights. The fact that she was on the phone the same time she was working on my hair didn't light up as something wrong. Yea you can imagine how it looked, so that same night we ran to walmart to get hair dye so my hair could be one solid color. OH that was fun. I can remember so vividly when I asked Kevin how it looked and he said great, with squinted eyes and a sneer grin on his face. That ass.
Hmmm. I really hope that this day passes quick, along with everything in it. I want to wake up tomorrow by the sunlight, not that crappy alarm, for some reason I think it will make me feel better.

Monday, April 11, 2005

I am soooo freakin pissed!!!

GGRRRRRR!!!! Ya know i have been angry before but i'm not so sure if it has ever been this bad, well it's not that it's bad, but the feeling that you have never expected this or that it seemed way surprising, or even that you know it's going to affect more that just me. Look yes me and Erick fighting, but according to him, it's all my fault, ya ok. This reminds me of the time in class when he was fighting with me over MY pencil, I didn't have another one or else i would have given it to him, duh.. Anyways, he got moved because WE were being disrupptive to the class. So when he moved he im'ed me and told me that it was all my fault, oohh kinda like now. So me being nice, i appoligized and he claimes I never did.. OOKK whatever, i'm not sure if I still care alot about it, despite what he says. Now Erick thinks I am not speaking to him, so he thinks it would be a great idea to write Micheal and tell him that I am his girlfriend and stupid stuff that will eventually makes things really bad. Why can't boys grow up???


I have awesome friends yet they all kind suck.... I'm not trying to be mean but they do. I love my best boys to death but I can't help think that something is way wrong with them. Each and every one of them!! LOL I always seem to come up with new great theories of our friend ships that at times get me in trouble. Ok the concept that sleeping with your best friends crush WILL indeed make you pregnant was not so "true" not to mention really bitchy. It's really weird how I think. OR telling your guy friend that you wish he was gay so you can both check out guys, ha one that I still stick to.
Well me and Badon't (aka. Erick ) always hang, the only one who ever wants to come over and actually so something with me.... jk Jose. But there are times when times that he is waiting for me to turn 18 so I can buy porn for him, that's kind of odd thinking that I will/would do that, yah I'm gonna buy all kinds of porn with tons of hot girls on it and I will be seen as normal ( normal being a butch buying girl on girl action) HA HA Like not. K well I'm going through this phobia thing that I don't want to be 18 not cuz the whole porn thing but cuz it's scary, in a way I want to be grown up but buying cigarettes and lotto tickets, and certainly not porn, isn't going to make me happy or get over it faster.
Jose THE best friend lol, I love you but it's never going to happen, you are my boy and that's it. I think we should do something between us and not with ka, oh wait we already do!!! lol I know that we will always be friends although you seem to think that we will go our separate ways after I graduate, uh, no, I don't think so mofo. I'm kinda sad because I got a crapy sticker at JB's yesterday, 'Your a pancake short of a stack'?? What the hell is that? Whatever just save the drama for your momma. I think we should go shopping and get some new clothes and get a new do, sound good? Oh yeah.. And I will so get the BYU done ok so quit buggin' ok. FIVE days and counting, I so know I will get it done trust me, I'm awesome.
I met this guy Michael and he is really nice and I want to get to know him better and things of that matter but it's hard when asses like umm...who? Oh yeah Jose and Erick get all pee pee hurt and want to make everything worse, cuz they can't stand the fact that I actually meet and like a guy that isn't them... Ya please take the hint guys!! And PLEASE don't mess anything up, I feel like begging you, but begging is most likely not going to stop you guys from doing what you want (sigh!!) Anyways I kind hope Michael is reading this so that he knows that I think he is great and that he doesn't think I'm a dorkis for saying so.
Ohhh, Dezy well that is a long story in its' self and we are starting to talk again, slowly but i really don't think it will ever quite be the same. What do you think?? Hello, what a change of thought from night to day. We will see what will happen later on. Ha ha ha
Cassie Lou, ohh I love her and yet feel I fell so sorry for her at the same time, no one deserves to be treated so craptasticly, oh well her choice I guess, I personally think Michael needs to grow up ( Michael as in cassies' boyfriend) and take on his responsibilities as a dad, who am I kidding, whatever!!!
My dear Erin the decisions in her life are odd and I may never come to understand them, Being addicted to sex, baby, dike spikes??...but as long as she is happy, it's all gravy. Ha Bryan being 30, good times.
Hanners, Raneka, and Brian... aahh, my amigos, GROW UP, ok what am I saying?? I'm afraid t grow up, uhh nevermind. I had fun driving through the burger king drive through with you guys acting like brats, god I hate it when someone does that to me when I'm working, but it was way fun because it was so cruel!!! Check the bag..
I am very grateful for all my friends that I have, I only listed a few that I truly kinda consider friends..... I love you guys and know that you are string to be able to but up with me and all my crazy ideas that I set up for myself..

OOOO I want to shank you all, lol sorry I'm not Misty.... Patty