Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Just to get it all on paper

If you want me to describe my mood, I would have to say tired. I haven't been myself today. I am tired, irritated, annoyed, Pissed at my hair and have alot of things on my mind. I thnk I need to vent. So here it is, my feelings how they are, yet still hidden. The rest goes in my journal when I go home :) Right now I think I need a cry fest. One of those times I suppose. Anyone care to join me? Don't, its depressing.

I'm at work. Story of my life. I came in at 7 am and leave at 6:30. Almost a 12 hour shift. By the time next pay period comes around I will have about 15 hours of over time for 2 weeks. A friend told me that I work too much. Maybe because I don't spend enough time with her. We all live in this money hungry world that we are all trying to ride the wave instead of drown under it. Inflation in taxes and things are sooo expensive now and however our pay stays the same.
Reality for ya.

I make alot of money for someone my age. I make more than all my friends. I'm basically the brokest of them all. how you ask. Ummm... your guess is as good as mine. I can tell you what I pay and I have no idea where it all goes. I need to get better on that. I feel like I have nothing to show for. I wish I hated shoes and clothes. That is my weakness. Do i really mean it? Hell no. I love clothes and shoes. I might as well die without them. I think about my future and how I want my house and then I get sad just thinking that my biggest fear of becoming a bum will happen. I have no idea why I am so scared of this... must go along with my fear of carnies and scary faces.

I came upon envy today. a teller I know has these beautiful flowers at her station. Her husband gives her a bouqet of flowers every week. Along side with a latte and a dozen kisses on sunday mornings. He has been doing this for 27 years. Sweet I know. I want a love like that. I want to be wisked away in my abundant feeling for love and know that there is something that is so close to my heart that no one can ever replace that special thing. None of this is anywhere near how I feel now. I'm a romantic, some guys are so not, must be an error encoding in their genes.

Ok so Technically I have a boyfriend. Micheal, you all know him. If we want to talk technicality of our past, it would be a huge mess. I feel so drained trying to think of it all in my head. I much rather forget most of it. alot has happened in the span of 2 1/2 years. half was so stupid anyways, all the drama and people involved, not enough to waste my time and energy. Not now anyways. The scoop, It is for officiality. I got tired of us "pretending" we were not a thing to make other people happy. We are and have been acting like we were dating ever since the actual break up last september. Pretty dumb of me I have to add. How can I go along with this crazy ass idea. I dunno, really I don't. It just seemed easy to be with some one you spend all day and every single day with. At the time I didn't care what it was called. We both know what beholds in our future. Just a matter of time now when we decide to move on from here and where we land there. I truly hope that it goes well. honestly. I just don't know if I can allow it to.

My relationship with my parents has matured alot since the last time we have had issues. It must have been a while, I can't seem to remember when.All is well. My mom took me and riz out to lunch today. it was really fun. The only time I can really remember being happy today. My mom is individual who is so wonderful sometimes but can drive you up the damn wall so easily. I guess we are so alike, lol. I can't imagine what on earth I would do the day she leaves this world.

Fyi, I'm at home now. I sucked at driving home today. I almost ran into a dude and his dog. ya know wouldnt be the first time I almost hit someone, there was this guy on a bike, biotch came outta no where. I didn't hit him, by like an effin foot. :) beware when I drive? I left in question for you to answer yourself.

I'm cold and I'm trying to do some laundry. If I can say I accomplished one thing today, that would be puttin new sheets on my bed. Micheal is on his way. I didn't see him yesterday. I miss him. I just feel bad that he is gonna see me all happy and me be in this crapy mood. I think I can place my bets that I will cry tonight. then he will make it all better, always does :)


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